transness
most of the time i feel like i can encompass being a boy and a girl at once but lately I've felt the urge to present masculine n its idk strange/interesting to pick it apart in my brain. this happens every now n then where I'll skew violently towards masc presenting/feeling and i think rn its been triggered bc of a certain character i really love frm a manga I'm currently reading. when that happens i get a little bit embarrassed over it, because half of the time the character is someone i find very attractive lol so idk if its vain of me to want to model myself after them..... i think it moreso ends up happening that i admire the way they carry themselves and wish i could be the same way. this particular character (that I'm not naming because I'll feel too exposed lol even in this private space) is always so laid back and calm in any situation they're in. and very dependable, selfless and playful, and soooo charming. i guess these are all traits i wish i could carry naturally inside of me, but i don't think im any of these things.
im very serious in person, i get worked up easily, and I consider myself to be very selfish and hedonistic. dependable....barely. i guess the trick is to interact with others in the way you wish to be perceived....fake it till you make it kind of thing. i hope i can keep growing into the person i want to be no matter how many times i fuck up lol.
on another note, physically, I'm nowhere near the lvl of masc i want to be and its idk, gnawing at my insides if i mull over it a little too long. i try to ignore how i look, and there will be times where i feel like a boy. but then it's so easily shattered when i see a reflection of me, or interact with a cisman. it hurts. and the saddest thing about this is that im so shallow i dont even like to entertain the idea of transitioning bc I'm so short. and curvy. i just worry that if i even tried to transition, I won't be seen as anything more than maybe a teenager at best because of my height. to top it all off I'm born into a family that does not accept trans people. and my family means a lot to me. its scary to imagine that i could possibly be pushed away if i did try going on T. trans people who medically transition are so cool to me because they go for it, and it works out for them, they make it work even thru anything thrown at them. but im too much of a coward i guess, over the idea of change.